“Waste not, want not.” The Hoarder’s Creed
And how to live it.
Contrary to popularly held belief, hoarding is a noble trait. A survival trait. One to be admired and emulated. Here is how.
Revel!
Revel in the pleasure of being completely surrounded by the secure aura of your possessions. This is one of the basic principles of hoarding. There is comfort in Curated Rare Antique Possessions (your CRAP). It’s your own valuable personal stuff, unlike any other collection in the world. Your CRAP is an extension of your personality, and a declaration of your uniqueness. Your CRAP represents the world’s best possible you!
Embrace The Creed!
Some believe that those who lived through the years of the Depression have a genuine justification for hoarding. “Waste not, want not.” They will tell you, with a sad but knowing countenance, that resources were so scarce that every scrap had to be used at least twice. Don’t toss that butter wrapper, save it for use in greasing a pan, even if you already have 12 other wrappers. Rework that hand-me-down shirt into a quilt. And don’t forget every Depression-era child’s favorite, strategically affixing that ABC gum (Already Been Chewed) in a strategic spot for future use.
But the Great Depression ended, and the thought arose that there was no longer any need to SOS (Save Our Stuff). DON’T BUY THIS LIE! This is clearly the mantra of a plot perpetrated by the leftist Roosevelt administration to devalue aspirational acquisition. Downright Un-American! Don’t be fooled! Don’t let the commies tell you that you shouldn’t have all the stuff you want. Democratic Capitalism requires you to accumulate wealth!
Be Patriotic AND Support Science!
Hoarding goes beyond patriotic support of the freedom to do whatever you damn well please. It’s also a constant verification of the laws of gravity.
We’re all physicists. We want to make sure that there has not been the slightest change in the natural laws. As law abiding scientists, we are poised to alert the sleeping populace if anything should be amiss. So we are constantly testing for anomalies via observation of all manner of gravity-affected personal objects and the dust that covers them.
You Are An Artist!
We hoarders are artistically inclined. Any horizontal surface is our canvas. That’s what they’re for, right? Pile the stuff on. It’s an art and a fun game at the same time! Even at the most rudimentary levels, it’s like playing Blockhead everywhere. Think of the sense of accomplishment you’ll feel after you’ve balanced that almost empty cereal box on the stack of 45RPM records that teeters atop the stash of prized possessions you can’t quite remember in the 6 liquor boxes. And if you need to extract one of those 45s, the game is Jenga.
God love the liquor stores and the alcoholics who make them profitable. They’re always willing to share their bounty of boxes. Though not completely necessary, if you want to segregate portions of your belongings into easily forgotten compartments, unlabeled wine and liquor boxes are the way to go.
Exercise Empathy!
“If it’s not furniture, get it off the floor,” a callous infidel once said. Poor misguided fool. Has he no empathy for the vertigo felt by objects? He also doesn’t know that queasy, nauseated feeling any normal person gets upon observing a table without anything holding it down. That’s just wrong. We hoarders are empathic, and feel the pain of an object unappreciated, or summarily discarded with no regard for potential. We are also conservation-minded, reducing the potential energy of objects to the lowest state.
Be Judicious!
The alternative to hoarding requires too many decisions. Research has shown that each of us only get to make a few good decisions every day (and incidentally, the closer you are to Washington, DC, the fewer good decisions you’ll make).
Attempting to make too many decisions is exhausting, and results in disastrous results, like wearing stripes with plaid. You don’t want to look like a buffoon, do you? So balance the mail on the other stuff on the kitchen table when you walk into the house, and deal with it later so you don’t become a fashion pariah.
Prepare For Someday!
John Fogerty will tell you,“Someday Never Comes,” But he can’t really be sure. Remind yourself, “I might be able to use it…someday.” Every truly intelligent person’s biggest fear is that whatever it is will be needed…just after it gets thrown out. That you probably wouldn’t have been able to find it when you needed it is not the point! It’s comforting to know that it’s there, and that you’ll find it…someday.
Don’t Waste Effort!
Similarly, don’t be putting stuff away! Why waste that effort when you know you’ll probably need that thing at the same location shortly after it goes somewhere else. Whoever said, “A place for everything, and everything in its place,” was a neurotic space-waster. That notion ensures you have two places for every useful object: where it was, and where it is. Poor use of resources.
And So On
These points should get you started on the one true path. There is, of course, much more, but to get started, you shouldn’t be drinking from the fire hose you’ve stored in the basement. At least not right away.
Everything you need to know will be in the forthcoming yet-to-be-named new book. Maybe “Pride and Procurement,” or “The Day the Earth Stood Full,” or “The Power of Possessive Thinking.”
Just gotta find the notes.