POLITICAL SATIRE
So You Want to Run as a Republican?
Just answer these simple questions
“So, Mr. Smith-Wesson, I understand you want to go to Washington.”
“Yes, Sir. I want to serve my country.”
“Well, that’s a good start. Please demonstrate your patriotism by hugging this flag. That’s it. Well done.”
“Thank you, Sir. I love this country.”
“As do we all on the right side of the aisle. We’ll be happy to have you join us as a representative from one of the constitutionally-sanctioned gerrymandered districts in your state. But first, there is a formality.”
“What’s that, Sir?”
“You’ll need to answer a few simple questions. No need to be eloquent. Just a basic response will do. You are familiar with Congressmen Gohmert and Brooks?”
“Certainly.”
“Then you understand that you can say whatever you like, as long as it is on-key.”
“Yes Sir.”
“Excellent. So happy you ‘get it.’ Now tell me about the founding fathers. Where did the inspiration for the Constitution come from?”
“Directly from the Bible. They were God-fearing men who saw that following the word of God would be the only way our great nation could survive and flourish.”
“And what of the fact there is no reference to God in the document?”
“Just an oversight. Everyone knows the Constitution was penned by divinely-inspired men.”
“Great! Let’s move along. How do you feel about abortion?”
“Abortion is a travesty. An abomination. No one should ever have the right to murder a baby from the moment of conception. And before, really. What is birth control other than preemptive abortion?”
“But how do you answer the critics who want exceptions for rape and incest?”
“These misguided souls seek to thwart the will of God!”
“Yes, yes, yes. Now tell me about the Second Amendment. What does it say?”
“The Second Amendment guarantees my God-given right to defend myself against the tyranny of the government. I cherish my right to bear arms. But, Sir, I must say I was a little distressed that I had to check my Glock 18 at the door when I came in.”
“Couldn’t be helped, for now, but perhaps with your help, after you are elected…”
“I look forward to it, sir. We need to make sure that no one can ever take away our guns. Each and every type of guns. It’s the only way we can be safe.”
“Wonderful. Now one final question. What happened on January 6th, 2021?”
“Let me think. Oh, yes! My wife and our 9 children picnicked at ‘The Wall.’”
“Sounds like a fun outing, but I was thinking more along the lines of what went on in Washington, D. C.”
“Can’t say that I recall. So it can’t have been anything important.”
“Exactly right! Welcome to the new generation of GOP representatives!”
“Oh, thank you, Sir! Is that all I need to do?”
“That’s all for me! Now get yourself to Mar-a-Lago and kiss the ring!”
