SATIRICAL POLITICAL INSANITY
My Greatest Persecutions Will Be Avenged. BELIEVE ME!
“IT’S GOD’S WILL,” shouts the for-profit prophet
Friday, April 5, 2024 — Here is the press release from the former president.
I want everyone to know that no one was hurt today in the earthquake that hit New York. All of my buildings, my amazingly well-constructed buildings, were untouched by the tremors. I spent a lot of money making sure they were all earthquake-proof, even though many people thought it was not necessary. But I knew.
People are saying the UN building was wiggling like a bowl of jello. Believe me, it would have been better for everyone if it just fell down, but it managed to stay up. Several court buildings should have fallen as well.
It’s no coincidence that the earthquake hit New York while the corrupt Attorney General and other politically motivated people have been taking me to court. Believe me, I am innocent of any wrongdoing, and this earthquake was just a first indication of what’s going to happen to New York if they continue to harass me with this witch hunt.
All the crooked political-hack prosecutors have to do is drop all the charges against me. We need to get past all this and back to winning again. I’m just saying that we wouldn’t want any more bad things to happen to New York, you know?
I’ve been in contact with the big guy, the one who told me to sell Bibles because we need more Bibles in the homes of Americans. You can’t have enough Bibles in your house, and $59.99 is nothing compared to what having my favorite book in your house will do for you. You can sandwich it between great books by me you already have like “The Art of the Steal…er ah…Deal” and “How To Get Rich.” Or just leave it on your coffee table to show all your friends you’re one of the good guys.
I know that nothing good will come from these court cases, and the American people will suffer. There is no way you want me wasting my time in court. Believe me.
I just don’t want to think about what will happen if these communists are allowed to continue to try to destroy me. It runs against everything good and American. And we’re all going to pay unless it stops.
In fact, unless all the charges against me are dropped immediately, I PREDICT THE HAND OF GOD WILL BLOT OUT THE SUN!
STAND BACK AND STAND BY FOR MORE DIVINE PUNISHMENT! THERE HAS ALREADY BEEN ONE PLAGUE FOR MISTREATING ME, AND THERE WILL BE ANOTHER. GOD IS ON MY SIDE AND HAS THE LOCUSTS READY TO GO!
BELIEVE ME!
